• a bit hectic
• ear hair
• a bear with a beer
• Big Ben
• pyramids
• quick and nimble fingers
• bit of a chin wag
• big kiss on the lips

I’d heard this one before but written up beautifully by Josh Madison:

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”

Kiwi: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: “The sheep’s a fucking liar!”